Knickers

I forgot to mention the funniest thing at the palace was seeing this woman walking back from the toilets with her dress stuck in her knickers. Sadly Emma had the camera at that point so I couldn't capture it. Some old biddy ran up to her and pointed her problem out. 'Better me telling you than Prince Andrew' she said.

The Palace

Saturday afternoon was all a bit surreal, we spent it at the palace. Not the Palace club in Levenshulme where I was once caught by Daily Sport photographers doing Bar Bungee with one of their page 3 girls, but Hollyrood Palace in Edinburgh.

Me & Emma got an invite from HRH Prince Andrew to spend the afernoon with him at his garden party at Hollyrood Palace in Edinburgh. Why? No idea other than this was the start of the General Assembly, the Church of Scotland's big annual knees up. Apparantly they invite lay people who do stuff for churches so that the clergy can get to meet some real people. It was bad timing as it was the FA Cup Final at the same time, but given the result and the slow pace of the game I am glad I didn't bother staying in to watch it.

So we arrived at Hollyrood in our jeans as we had been out all morning. The army were doing the gate and tried to turn us away until we flashed our invite to them. Then we had to get changed in the car whilst all these posh knobs wandered around in their hats. After getting past the next security gate by showing our photo id, we entered the grounds and headed straight for the marquee where sandwiches, tea and cakes were on offer. No crusts on these butties! and at an event full of clergy the caterers must have been having a laugh by including cucumber sarnies. There was quite a collection of kilts, hats, military uniforms, dog collars and national dress. I opted for my trusty suit (weddings, funerals, job interviews, court, etc) whilst Emma dazzled them all with an expensive frock! (£6 from the charity shop in Haddington actually). We noticed some plain clothes security guards trying to blend in, and the the Hollyrood Constabulary (the palace's own police) were begining to get into line so something was about to happen.

I took position as close as I could get to them. There was no security barrier so I'd say I was about 2 feet away. Then the Duke appeared. Not sure how long he would be around I took the opportunity of him standing still during the national anthem to get my snaps. He then wandered right over to me and started chatting to the woman next to me so I kept snapping away. Emma decided to startt alking to the Hollyrood Cops...asking them what she would need to do to get beaten by them with the big sticks they were all carrying. Here we both were just inches away from the future king (well if Charles and his kids were all killed in a road accident in a Paris tunnel or something) and a bunch of blokes who looked like morris dancers were the only thing between us. Then I looked around and the plain clothes boys were right behind me...and were right behind me for much of the afternoon. So off we went for a wander around, snapping away getting shots of a building not normally open to the public. We ate a few more sandwiches and cakes, chit chatted to a few people and then headed off. It was as I was snapping some shots of the military band that the cops moved in. 'Excuse me sir, you are not allowed to take photographs in the palace grounds'. Oops,good job I was leaving then.

So the photos you see here are top secret and must not be leaked to any Royal contacts you have or I will end up in the tower!

Photos: 1. me looking really interested. 2. Emma and the lovely sandwiches! 3. One of the Trumpton morris dancers. 4. Me & Emma in Dr Who's royal TARDIS. 5. HRH Duke of York who apprantly has 10,000 men who he climbed a hill with.

Dunbar Methodist Church

I have been taking the primary school kids to visit Dunbar Methodist Church. It's the oldest Methodist Church in Scotland and Wesley himself preached there 21 times. It's a facinating building that keeps revealing its secrets. One of them is behind the organ. In the days of old the organ was hand pumped by a wee laddie stuck in a secret room...well box next to the organ. If you look into this dark space now you can see that the wee laddie obviously got bored in the services and had a turn at graffitti. You can see his name and various dates etched onto the wall if you shine a torch in there or take a digital photo as I did. The writing in the photo is in complete darkness. I hope that was of interest to any Methodist historians. Its well worth a vist and Betty and David are great hosts. See

The visit got me thinking back to my experiences of church organs. In the 1980's when we were being subjected to GrahamKendricks soul raising hits like 'Shine Jesus Shine' and 'Make Way Make Way', and the organ was seen by me as obsolete. The guitar and the pan pipes was the new kid on the block. To assist in my theory, me and Smithy decided it would be fun to switch all the pipes around at the back or the organ. It was an innocent act of vandalism but one that would have been amusing to hear. Basically the low keys now played high notes and vice versa. Because some of the organists were so bad it probably took a few months for them to realise what was wrong. After they brought in a specialist to fix it we got our knuckles well and truly rapped. it could have been worse....we had considered putting ping pong balls in the pipes so they would pop out when the organ played.

Tri Harder

Well that's my first triathlon out of the way. It was probably the most challenging physical thing I have ever done but I was pleased to come away with a prize. In 14th place I was the 2nd fastest local male in the North berwick triathlon. I have never won a prize for my attempts at athletics so it made it all worth while. E-bay let me down and my trisuit didn't arrive so I had to do it in my trunks. As you can see from the photos I look just like Daniel Craig in Bond. To be honest I was concentrating more on not dying than my modesty. On the bike I was determined not to fall off and the thought of buttock grazing kept me safe. The bike bit was my weakness. I thought I was doing ok but people kept waving at me as they flew by me. Still I caught the losers up on the run bit. I will probably do another one but it has to be said that triathlons are very middle class, they are expensive and there is more than the average population of tossers involved in it. Here's the resultsresults and some pictures of me.

Tri Hard

Isabelle did her first triathlon the other day. It was the Dunbar Junior Triathlon and although she was one of the slower racers, she came in first for Dunbar girls. All the rest were outsiders who need to get on the Playstation a bit more and do something less healthy. It was for 10-16 year olds, but one contender actually had a beard (see photo... a ginger beard at that...you'd think he would try and hide his hair colouring rather than wear it on his chin). Anyway she won some money so I decided to put in for my own race next week. Training has been hard and having thought about the idea of running in my Speedo's I decided to buy a triathlonsuit off E-bay. It's a bit of a gamble as I have no idea what size I should get, and I am not convinced I will look any less offensive than my ball bulgers and a pair of trainers. We will see? Watch out for the results here North Berwick Triathlon

Ding a ling

The bikes arrived yesterday and it struck me that it has been around 15-20 years since I rode a bike on a regular basis. Anyway new toy and all that I went out and did an 18 miler this morning to break it in. I was ok on it, but when I got off I was walking like John Wayne as my bum cheeks and inner thighs were as stiff as you can get. Before the week is out I will be cracking wallnuts between my buttocks! There's a triathlon in 2 weeks in North Berwick that I might do, but the thought of cycling in my speedo's and then running is not one I or anyone watching me can look forward to...especially if it is cold....I might stick a pair of socks in!

Spotty

Chicken Pox is doing the rounds. Stuart got it and was tortured by it all last week. In 10 years time his back will look the same again, only this time with big yellow heads when he gets acne. Talking of which Andrew and Isabelle are doing sex education at the moment. Andrew tells me that a womans bum is called a vagina and there's something just above it that begins with a 'C'. That'll be curlies!

Cars

I have been having a bit of bother with the car. I parked it outside a mates house the other day over night after a party and when I returned to get it the next day it had moved about 3 ft. On closer inspection I discovered it had been the victim of a hit and run. Both the back and front were a mess. I was about to drive off when it struck me that this is Dunbar and maybe...just maybe it would be worth reporting. Dunbar police station is the very thin blue line. So thin it makes Kate Moss look like the vicar of Dibley. 'Oh yes i think someone reported that at 5.30 am' said the cop trying to give the impression there had been numerous crimes commited that night. Sure enough it had been reported and the registration plate recorded. I didn't expect to hear anything more other than they had no insurance etc.

A week later this bloke turns up at our house. 'I think my son crashed into your car. I want to pay for any damage.' After pinching myself I realised this was a bloke from one of the churches who I had once met. Anyway, to cut a long story short he coughed up and paid for the damage...well to have it written off as its not economically viable to have it repaired. So now we are down to 1 car and 1 wreck on the drive. If anyone wants a Ford Fiesta for scrap let me know. The hunt is on for a bike now and me and Emma are getting his and hers bikes.

Other visitors

If you come and visit us then you will get a mention here. Well not much else goes on around here so when we do have visitors its the highlight of our month. Earlier in the month, before Col & Shaz visited we had Rory come and stay. Rory is supposed to be taking over running camp from me, but he has been hit by a mysterious illness and might not be able to. Anyway he came up to recover in the peace and tranquility of a house with 3 screaming kids and a yapping dog....and the 12 hour coach journey home . He was a star and it was like having an aupair for the week. Despite the rumours and gossip of what was wrong with him, he seemed ok and the gangreen on his limbs and dreadful flakey skin condition were just talk. He still does have a large head though (physically not egotistically) but so has our Stuart!?! Hopefully we will see him again soon...and others. let us know if you want to visit it would be nice to see you (depending on who you are....if your surname is Smith then don't call us we will call you). Photo is of Rory trying to teach us the game of cricket.

White, Red, Blue, Purple and Red

Sunny Dunny lived up to its name this week. The thermometer reached 20 on tuesday, although it never accounts for the windchill factor. Sun, beach and sea...all the ingredients needed for a swim. It took about 2 minutes for Stuart to strip off and take the plunge at Skate Raw Harbour, closely followed by Isabelle and Andrew. The surf was good too. Whilst we were there their skin colour went through several changes. White (Scottish people's skin is whiter than Daz and Ariel put together), Red as the blood began to circulate in the icy waters, Blue as they began to freeze, Purple as they got hyperthermia, Red as they get sun burn.

The cost of holidays

It's the Easter holidays and the relatives have been to visit again. This time it was Colin & Sharon and the boys. Ready made entertainment for the kids...themselves! Basically the idea was to not spend any money as we are all skint and why should we spend money when there are loads of free things to do around here. That's why we don't go away...too expensive in all those attractions you have to pay to go in...and that's not including the gift shops. Dunbar is full of free places...although having fine weather makes them more enjoyable....like the beach for example. We did 2 castles in one day. Hailes Castle is free and by far the best hide and seek venue in East Lothian. Whilst we were there we found a barn owl...but it was dead. Isabelle came close to disecting it but it kept them all entertained for ages. Later that day we went to Tantallon Castle. We tried to get in for free with our Historic Scotland passes. Sharon became Emma and she looked well considering she had gained two extra boys since joining historic Scotland only a year ago. Colin ended up paying as he could not get away with being classed as a child...even though he was carrying a light sabre to fight the other kids with later. The other expense of the week was Sweet Occasions. It's a well stocked sweet shop and it is obligatory for Taylor visitors to go in there...oh and Smiths the bakers where Sharon and Colin's lent went pear shaped. Well to be fair on them there is not that much meat in Scotch Pies, Sausage Rolls, Bridies and Haggis Pies. It's all the bits of meat they usually throw away spiced up a bit in a pastry casing. And it is not biblical to give up chocolate, beer and wine all at once.

Living in Squalor

Andrew: Why don't we move back to our old house

Mum: Why? Do you want to live in squalor again?

Andrew: But we didn't live in squalor, we lived in Burnage.

Mr Baxter is back

I have been trying to put my interest in running to some use in my work and I have been coaching the school Cross Country Team. Basically it has meant taking them out at lunch time and givign them motivational talks (move it you lazy fat blob of lard) and trying to fire them up to win (nobody remembers the losers....sorry what was your name again child?) Seriously though missus, it has been a good month or so getting to know a few of the characters and seeing them all improve their times. I looked for inspiration. My own PE teacher was a bit of a ladies man who drove a red MG convertable. I think he was doing more than his fair share of extra curricula activity with the 5th Year girls and the games mistress. I looked elsewhere and of course anyone who watched Grange Hill in the early 80's could not help but be inspired by good old Mr Baxter. In fact I am considering a change in hair style and purchasing a nylon 2 stripe tracksuit. Here is a picture of him to remind us all of what a great man Jeffrey was.



Anyway, in the race itself we came 3rd overall. Our best female runner was in the lead until the last 400 meters when she lost a shoe in a swamp and got pipped at the post. The lads were up against some mean competition who had been trained by the Kenyan military female champion...whereas Dunbar were being coached by me....not even in the top 50% of veteran runners in Scotland. Pictured at the top is me, Mrs Lyle the PE Teacher and the team.

Don't know much about anything

I have just come back from a week of working in Dunns at Berwickshire High School. It was a Christian Focus Week run by SU and basically a team of us go in and do lessons, assemblies and concerts looking at Christianity....some might call it a mission but that sounds to preachy so I am not a big fan of it. I did pretty badly at my own school. It wasn't my fault all the teachers decided to have industrial action for most of the time I was there. It was also the time of the 1980's inner city riots and as half the kids in my school came from the riot zones of Moss Side, Hulme and Longsight then it ran over into the school day too. The result was they brought in 'community teachers'. The word 'community' was actually code name for 'crap' and most of them passed through within a couple of months leaving no positive impact on my education.

So back at Dunns I was amused to be asked to teach lessons on the subjects I failed at. The only lessons I taught this week that I have a qualification in was english (O Level) and art (16+, A Level). As for Geography, History and science.....well the words of Sam Cooke's 'Wonderful World' came to mind. Fortunately each class looked at faith issues too so I managed to get away with it and all in all it was a good week with plenty of debate and discussion with the kids. The pinacle of the week was the concert with some crazy Christian band and drama group. I hate those things but the teeny boppers love it. 220+ of them turned up. I was on crowd control...which means standing at the door chatting to the janitor and the dorks who hang around outside.

Wax on wax off!

I feel that I have not really got into the spirit of blogging and posting really useless information on it. Well what could be more interesting than ear wax. When was the last time you checked out your ears? My mum used to say 'look at that muck in your ears'. Have you ever tried it? Well digital cameras open up a whole new world that your eyes have never dared to see...orifices that have never seen the light of day! Emma's had a scratchy ear and so I had a look. At first I though I was looking at a bowl of corn flakes until I realised it was a bowl of wax flakes...well one big flake on its own. Emma is in denial that it is there so I took a photo which just about catches its flakey head. Unfortunately it is still theredespite having tried tweezers, drinking straws (suction factor) and good old crow bars (cotton buds...although I remember asking for a packet of crow bars at Boots on Burnage Lane and the assistant knowing exactly what I meant). There we go, blogging is so interesting isn't it?

George hates Trefor

My mum and dad and Bungle were up for a long weekend and brought George with them. George probably wished he'd stayed at home because Trefor just spent all his time terrorising him. If he wasn't hanging off his cheeks, he was biting his nose...and george's willy has never been so clean. Anyway I think it is Trefor's plan to rule the world of labradors by wiping out all the old ones. His first hit was Harold, so don't be surprised if you read about George joining him in the big kennel in the sky.

Lunar Eclipse

The lunar eclipse went off ok. Here is a picture of it that's a bit shaky. Blame the malt whisky for that! Also Isabelle and my mum watching it.

Bathgate Scum

I did the Scottish Masters National Cross Country race on Saturday. 'Masters' means old...over 35 to enter, so I was one of the youngest there.It was a heafty 10km race around a very muddy park and golf course and I was disappointed to come 125 out of 244. I am trying to get in the top 50% if I can and so it was disappointing to see 65 year old blokes beat me. I did have a good sprint finish and beat 2 guys who had been pestering me all the way around. Anyway the biggest pain was the local youths on the BMX track. They entertained themselves and added an extra obstacle for runners by chucking stones at them. Fortunately for them they missed me. If they had my plan was to nick their BMX and complete the race and then dump it in the bushes short of the finishing line. So that was my one and only experience of Bathgate....as in the Proclaimers Letter from America that optimistically says 'Bathgate no more'. If only!

Big Wave Day

Every now and then there is a really high tide and a bit of wind to whip it all up at the same time. It happened last week and here are a couple of photos of it. It all very exciting and it brings the crowds out to see what's going on. The bridge is at Belhaven and although it always gets the sea coming up to it, it never reaches these heights. The other is of the East Beach looking towards Dunbar Parish Church. We thought about buying the tall house just behind the wave....glad we didn't now, the washing would never get dry.

Eddy

It was half term and we put our historic Scotland passes to good use by visiting Edinburgh castle. Those passes get you into a priority queue, so whilst all the dumb Americans and Japanese tourists stand in line for 10 minutes...we just walked straight in and only had to pay 80p for our audio guide headset. If any of you come and visit then you can use them. Once inside we had a quick tour of the prisons, looked at the view and wandered around aimlessly for an hour or so. The last time we were there was for Claire's wedding and those 3 were the subject of the tourist photo's. One day I am going to hire Stuart a kilt and charge Germans £1 to have his photo. I was reminded of the panic we had at that wedding when Stuart was walking with us to the castle, Isabelle was a bridesmaid in the hire car and Andrew was supposed to be with granny. Granny arrived but Andrew didn't! As the line of tourist photographed the wedding car arrived with the bride the panic was over. Andrew was sat in the front of the Rolls Royce and he was really excited about not wearing his seatbelt.

Back at Edinburgh 2007 we headed off to the National Museum. We didn't get past the first main room where there is loads of stuff for kids. Andrew and Isabelle got stuck into the virtual formula 1 car and Stuart was an astronaught. This post is becoming a promotion for Edinburgh...but the museum is worth a visit if you go...and its free. We had decided to get the train but realised it was £20 for a family return ticket from Dunbar and they are less than hourly. Sod that! we drove to the outskirts of Edinburgh and then got the local line for £6 every 30 mins. Even better still the conductor insisted Stuart was under 5 and didn't have to pay. 'We get allsorts trying to get half tickets on here mate...last week I had someone with a beard trying to get a kids fare'. I think our honesty to pay had given him some faith in humanity. In the next holidays we are going to put Isabelle's Blue Peter badge to use and hit the zoo.