The Big Smoke

A few weeks back me & Emma got away for a weekend.
Well having run around London earlier in the year, the opportunity to properly visit it arose recently when we were invited to a wedding was one not to be missed. We managed to dump the kids with granny and off we went on the train from Berwick on Tweed. Not a bad journey down really and uneventful unless you count the bloke sat next to Emma who sat with one hand down his trousers whilst he surfed the net! (and no it wasn't me!). However, once at London Kings Cross we had our first encounter of life in the Big Smoke...a nutter. I love nutters, they always raise a smile, especially this one who was shouting all sorts of nonsense. Having worked in Stockport for many years I feel well qualified in dealing with nutters and the first rule is don't make any eye contact with them and then avoid any sort of contact with them. I should now add the rule of not allowing your suitcase handle to snap when walking down very long tube station steps. Yes it snapped and began to roll down the steps heading straight for the nutter! It was like that Odessa Steps scene in Battle Potemkin or more recently and equally as well done in The Untouchables. With a large crowd of people in front of the nutter it would have been a Domino Rally effect. Fortunately with just inches to spare, the bag came to a halt and the nutter carried on regardless into his wonderful world of cuckoo land.

We wanted to pack as much in as we could and first stop was Camden Market. My low expectations of London suddenly shot up a notch or two at the sight of this colourful and diverse place. Set by the canal there was an indoor market that had a horse theme going on, including some little shops inside what had once been stables. Amongst the many curious shops, the S&M Barbie & Action Man store caught my eye! Also loads of food places. We were there at 9am and several Chinese, Ethiopian and Indian food bar owners were trying to sell their wares. We opted instead for a full English at a pub. Here we were entertained by 2 French studenty types trying to chat up some girls. Will return there again.

Next stop was Leciester Square to buy some theatre tickets from the half price booth. Then Piccadilly Circus and on a slight detour to Fredricks Column. Emma thought it was Nelson's but on closer inspection the absence of a square and Nelson himself we realised it was a poor imitation. By that time we were lost but found our bearings via Horse Guards Parade. We watched the American and Germans have their photo taken with the soldiers before heading off to find the real Nelson and a quick visit to the National Portrait Gallery where I showed Emma some of Degas finest pieces. Onwards to Covent Garden. What a disappointment it was. Very commercial, over priced and lacking in any real character apart from a few street entertainers who, let's face it, we've all seen before. It's interesting to see how they now all have the same pitch when it comes to asking you for money as if they are one corporate company. Exactly the same pitch used in Edinburgh at the festival.

We changed direction and headed for the Imperial War Museum. Having visited as a kid I've always fancied a return and it was a good mix of old and new. Hanging from the ceiling were WWII planes, whilst on the ground were the remains of a car hit by a car bomb in Iraq. Photo: A car after it was hit by a bomb in Iraq We were both suffering from 'shoppers legs'...you know that horrible tired feeling you used to get when your mum dragged you around Marks', C&A, Littlewoods and BHS all in one day. However, I did drum up some energy to look in at the Holocaust expo. I have studied the Holocaust quite a bit before but this told the story in a new, no holding back sort of way. You hear the story of the rise of the Nazis alongside the story of how the Jews came to Europe and how the tide turned against them. You could see and read about the way neighbours were turned against each other. Sadly I only got half way around before Emma started texting me to hurry up. So that means another return visit too.

The evening was spent at the West End. I've never been to a show so we decided to splash out on a couple of tickets to see 'We Will Rock You'. We headed to the Dominion Theatre where we experienced the phenomenon that is theatre going. Average age around 50-55, well groomed and German! We'd paid £30 each for half price tickets, but do people really pay the full whack and how do they afford it? Inside there is a hard sell programmes £8, or ice cream £3 or £4 for a single bottle of beer. We opted for the corner shop outside and brought it in. We were surrounded by drunk Germans. Noisy sods, but Emma had the joy of a middle aged woman who had no beat and sang horribly out of tune. In a show based on Queen songs this became as entertaining as the show itself, especially when she tried to do the clapping to We Will Rock You, you know the one where you do 2 claps and then put your arms out in front. It was a good show and more a panto than anything else. Ben Elton's humour was evident but as a story it was somewhat frail. Basically the idea is to sing as many Queen songs as possible and in each scene you are wondering which one is next, and how they will make the connection. They whip the audience of 50 somethings to a frenzy, and by the end of it there was a sea of menopausal women waving their arms to Bohemian Rhapsody. That was the West End done and dusted!

Saturday's main feature was the wedding of Rory & Anna, so our day revolved around this. An early start found us wandering up the Embankment to the Tate Modern. The size of the open space inside is impressive...unlike some of the art on display. Some of these artists are taking the piss or maybe are piss artists when they count a white hexagon painted on a slightly different shade of white wall. Or a large curtain laid out on the floor, or better still a work bench, a flask and a pint of milk. I genuinely thought I was in a room under construction when I realised that this was art. Some fool had paid for this lot... Emperors New Clothes me thinks! We then headed to the top floor for a coffee looking out across the Thames. Great views..but what coffee should I buy. I had no idea what the large selection of over priced coffees were and in a panic I decided to get the first one on the list (that's usually the one most like a cup of Gold Blend). So I now know that a double espresso is in fact a dribble of extra strong coffee rocket fuel. I was totally wired for the rest of the day. We did see some good art, including photo's of Germans pre Nazi rule, where the photographer had done portraits of people in a village who lived and worked together. They were totally unaware that 10 years later some of them would be put to death by their very same neighbours.

At the back of the Tate Modern is the Blue Fin office block. A state of the art piece of architecture used as a location for Spooks and many more t.v. and films, and hosues lots of the fashion magazines...quite cool indeed. And it being Open House weekend, we got to have a look around. On the 11th floor is a roof garden overlooking miles and miles of London. The sun was shining and the views were great and it was all for free. Photo: Boris's Bikes from the Blue Fin Building
We then made our way back via the Millennium Bridge and a Salvation Army Brass band playing outside St Paul's Cathedral, and dodging out of the way of hundreds of orienteers who were doing some sort of race.

The wedding was at Spittal Fields. Another interesting place where some sort of japanese festival was going on. We met up with our Sarah & Cath and a small crowd of people who I used to go to Criccieth with. As always it was great to catch up and see old friends. The weeding had an Indian theme as the bride had lived her first 18 years out there. She arrived on a rickshaw and wore a shari. The meal of course was curry and it was a good service too with Rory's dad who is an Archdeacon preaching.

It all finished at 11pm and we got to experience Saturday nights in the Big Smoke. Busier than the day I'd say.

Sunday was time to spend with Emma's sister Claire. We went for a wander to some park which was busy with rich people entertaining their kids. The main reason of course was Emma hope to get a glimpse of Mark Owen of pop boy band Take That, as that is where he hangs out when he's not conducting adulterous affairs. Instead I got to see the hideous sight of something that I can't imagine working anywhere else....'Fit for a Princess' classes. This involves slightly portly 30 something women wearing ill fitting lycra costumes and doing open air aerobics. I nearly choked on my crumpets as I watched them from the pavilion cafe. Our Colin once described leggings like this as looking like 2 boys wrestling in a sleeping bag. Not nice and not cricket doing it within eyeshot of innocent men having a morning coffee. I shall be looking in Hello magazine in the coming weeks to see if any of them achieved their goal of becoming princesses.

After all that excitement we headed back home on the train with a new perspective of London.