The great thing about East Lothian is that it has not 1, but 2 local papers. Of course little or nothing happens around these parts so basically anything in the court reports makes it to the pages. Here are a couple that caught my eye recently.
RELIEF TOILET ASSISTANT WANTED
Is this to replace the constipated toilet assistant?
BAKERY SQUIRTED WITH KETCHUP
Yes the big news story in North Berwick was that 2 blokes went into the bakers and squirted ketchup on the windows. They were seen walking down the street armed with the offensive weapon of a Heinz 57, which they later discharged in the direction of Greggs the Bakers. It is reported that on the same night there was a disturbance in the local chippy where 2 fish and a smoked sausage got battered!
The second headline has left me perplexed.
MAN ASSAULTED WIFE WITH HIS BOTTOM
Now as soon as you read a headline like that you immediately wonder how that can be done. If releasing eggy fart under the duvet is classed as assault then I'm afraid I'll be in the slammer for a life sentence. But can you really assault someone any other way with your bottom? 'He thumped me with a left buttock', 'he butted me in the face', 'he approached me wilding a baseball bat in his builders cleavage'....they just don't sound convincing. And did they have an id parade to see if the offending body part could be identified? I think she should learn to turn the other cheek!
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